the long and winding road

awwww man, I've told you guys about that problem I have when I start to do something that makes my anxious (like not blogging for a longtime) and then I get extra anxious and keep doing whatever is making me anxious (not blogging some more) until I totally go mental. So....here I am. I'll be back for a while.

Long time coming

Note: I've been trying to write this post for days, it just won't come. There are too many thoughts in my head; so, this post will be mostly for me, to clear that space, to make disjointed ramblings, because that's all that's coming right now.
From the prompt for day three of recapturing beauty:

"Our minds are extremely powerful. Just like it hurts when someone else says something mean to us, it hurts whenever we think or say negative things to ourselves. The opposite is true too. Just like that little girl learning to walk, we change and grow when we feel validated and supported. Support can come from others, and it can also come from us!"

I believe that the mind is a powerful thing. I believe it has the power to heal, and create, and transcend to higher places. It will continue to evolve in a way our bodies never will. My problem is, that my brain holds a lot of anger and ummm, more anger. It's kind of like my default setting. In my family there are some people who have not realized that they are in control of their lives, that their actions affect others, that their anger is really directed at themselves, and all growing up, they lashed out at us. I learned to hide, I learned to doubt myself, and I learned to hate. I used to hate my chubby little kid body so much that I wished that I could literally peel layers off, I would have flayed myself if I could. Like most people with body issues/eating disorders, I felt like I could have some kind of control if I could just control my body. I know that saying bad things about yourself, to yourself and others poisons your body. Ignore your body destroys it. The only way to heal, and to thrive is to love ourselves, to pay close attention everyday to what each cell is telling us. To talk back in a way that is thrilling and gentle, that helps us to use our body as a beautiful instrument to live life to the point of an ecstatic scream. I'm trying, but sometimes the anger spreads through my body, and it spews out on others. I have children at home, I don't tell them they're stupid when they makes a mistake, but I don't think I let them explore their mistakes enough, without my opinion interfering. I want to guide them to form an opinion about their body (and others) by setting a good example, and by allowing them to listen to their own body. By praising what theirs does, and can accomplish. I want them to live in an environment where nothing their sweet innocent little spirits/body/mind can do will shock, disgust, or enrage me. It's time for me to grow up, let go of the issues that plagued my childhood, so that I can raise my children without them. 

A few things I'd like to clarify: 
I love my family very much, we are all flawed human beings. My childhood was not terrible, there were strange, dangerous, and unkind things that happened, but in spite of those things I was raised in an extremely open, loving, and enriching environment. I happened to be very sensitive to the negative, not everyone is. I alone will chose what I will take from those experiences.

At first I wrote the last part of this post in regards to just Vida, and not Royce. I think that it's important for us to remember to not suppress our son's bodies in anyway. They don't have to be tough, athletic, without emotion, or conforming to any other societal gender restraints. In fact, if you read Christ's attributes in the Bible, they are what we commonly look at as female characteristics. Plus, the only way to break the cycle of body objectification (especially female) is to teach both or daughters and sons about the sacredness of our bodies. 

Six months of Livin'

Royce Somerset Lyons is six months old today, huzzah! We call him Roro, Roycie, Roycikins, and all kinds of other stupid names that I hope I grow out of soon. He truly is the sweetest baby, always smiling, and ready to play. He just started army crawling/inchworming it across the floor. He's been sitting on his own for a few weeks now, and he's getting really good with his hands. He' s been super interested in food for a while now, very unlike Vida at this age, so I'e been giving him some fruits and veggies. He seems to like hummus and plain tomato soup the best so far; apple sauce is growing on him. He's been sick again the last two weeks with an upper respiratory infections, and it made his eyes all gross too. We're on the mend again though, it hasn't affected his growth though (haha). The beasty weighs like 23 lbs and is 29 in  long. Good little fella.

Here's some pics we just took right now during Vida's nap.

my sweet little blue eyed wonder.

Singity Songity

my favorite songs right now:

Kimbra Settle Down

and

M83 Midnight City

Recapturing Beauty week 2

Sorry loves, week two is late; I had to relinquish my computer to the apple gods to have the "optical drive" fixed, do you guys know what that is? It's the disc drive, but it's really called an optical drive, who knew?

acting

So, week two's prompt was pretty lds centric, around the patriarchal blessing, if you don't know what that is, check out the link. But basically it is a really, really, really awesome reminder that God loves you for you, he created you to be the way you are, and wants you to know that you have been given special gifts that are meant for you to expound upon and accomplish.

I reread mine, as it states in the prompt, and got to the part were it talks about talents (I will share only a little about my patriarchal blessing, because we hold them so sacred, that we don't really share much with anyone but family), mine mentions my singing, and other talents, that I should continue to develop and use to encourage and uplift the youth. What a what!?! You see I received this blessing while at BYU (for those who don't know, I was baptized at 19), after I had decided to major in acting, instead of following something vocal. My choir teacher had gotten my interested in BYU by having me audition for the vocal program there. Guess what, I didn't really pay much attention to that whole part of the blessing yet, I was more interested in the how to find me a man part (just kidding). For some reason singing makes me more uncomfortable than acting, putting myself out there is still very hard for me. Standing up and saying "I am good at this, really truly good!" is not often easy, but it should be, shouldn't it? To offer that which we have been give, to use to bless other's lives; whether it be the gift to heal, or guide, to make laugh, to teach, or to entertain. Hone your talents the way you've honed the ability to mask you imperfections with makeup,clothes and other false edifice, and your talents will make your flaws your strengths. Because hard work, dedication, belief in yourself, and faith will take you beyond that which holds you back now.

 Fast forward five years, and here we are...I thought about it, am I doing much to develop my talents, honestly not really. Lameo, I know; but, I do keep it always at the back of my mind. And this week I sat down a few times at my keyboard and made up a few ditties, songs that I can work on that help my exercise the demons, and develop the beauty that I love in music. I also sing made up songs to my children all the time, with some top 100's to keep it real fresh in here, so I'm always singing. I keep telling myself that whatever it is that I am trying that is new in my life, I'm still a baby bird at it, that I am still stretching my wings. And so what, I been singing since birth? Well, I haven't been singing in Canada, where I'm cooped up in the house with two non talking miscreants. So you see, even the things that are old to us, can become new again. I believe that if I put my faith in Him, and develop my talents, like he has asked, the Lord will lead me to the opportunities that will help me to become the best me, the most beautiful me. Which has nothing to do with what I look like...unless I want to be on American Idol, and then it most definitely does.

throw back to the choir days, we rocked the cazbah.

peace

Breathe

Recapturing Beauty Week One (and to be clear, the site has a '10&'11 version, I'll be doing '11 to start)

The challenge is body kindness, and it suggests yoga for the prompt. Perfect, since I teach yoga; so my extremely wonderful friend Jacqui, had me come and teach the young women, in our old ward, a yoga class. I was slightly sceptical that they would be able to hold it together, but they were phenomenal. I wish I had a picture of this awesome group of girls! I explained a few things about yoga to them, and I'll share some of that here too:
The word yoga means "yoke" or meaning, to join together, to unite. It is a meeting of mind, body, and spirit. We tend to cut these three into separate pieces. We neglect, or torture, our bodies and expect it not to affect our spirit and soul. How many of you lay down at night in your bed, and all of a sudden you start to feel the aches, the pains that you pushed to the side during the day? We cannot continue to disconnect ourselves from our pain, our sensations, because they're there to tell us something. When I teach yoga I remind everyone to really try and be conscious of what their body is telling them that specific day, to listen, and to respond to your body by giving it what it needs, not necessarily what the mind wants, or especially what you think others are expecting of you. People in the western world think yoga is either for super crunchy granola meditation, or for super toned flexible freaks. It really isn't about that at all, it's about opening space and bringing light into our bodies. It's about excepting where were are at this exact moment, while allowing ourselves to gently roll into a new, further than we've ever gone before place. It's about being kind to yourself so that you in turn can be kind to all things, because as Christ said "love thy neighbor as thou loves thyself." It does not matter how far you take the expression of the posture, but how deeply you can breathe into it.

The prompt for this challenge is beautiful, I urge you to at least read it here . This is my favorite quote: "Drink in the kindness of sunshine and the beauty of the earth. Feel the river of kindness flow through your body and carry you forward." 




I am taking the time to be kind to my body; no more diet pills, laxatives, harsh words, unkind thoughts, or practices. I think about the food I put into my body, think about the activities I do, and strive to live a healthy, happy, sunny life. And even though I might not be exactly were I thought I would be, or where I want to be, I'm ok with who I am. The only way to move forward is to first accept where you are. So now I show kindness to the body that has birthed me two children, allows me to love my husband, runs me around the block, laughs when I'm happy, and gives my opportunities I can only dream of. 

Recapturing Beauty

I, (like many of you, probably?) am obsessed with myself. I try not to say it like that very often, it doesn't taste very great coming out. I tend to try and temper it with a "I'm just trying to take good care of myself"; but, it's the truth, I take it to obsession. I spend way too much time thinking about the 20 pounds I have to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, if my boobs are going to be super saggy after I finish birthing and feeding subsequent children. Whether my teeth are white enough, my eyelashes long enough, my clothes stylish enough. Did you know, (you didn't) that I prefer to sit in front of a mirror while I talk on the phone so that I can just stare at myself. I know where every wrinkle on my face is, the veins on my legs, and I've almost got ever erstwhile hair named. I'm self absorbed in the worst way. I crave acceptance from the way that I look. There, I said it; and there's a fine line of that accepted by society. It's alright to wear makeup, but how much, with what attitude? No one likes the "tramp", but what if that's really how she felt like looking? It's cool to look vintage geek chic, but the homeless man on the corner doesn't look very cool in his second hand clothes. I can have plastic surgery if its reconstructive, but keep it hush hush if it just makes me feel better about myself? And why should it make me feel better, who made it that way? I know that many of my issues stem from a childhood of looking a little different than most of the girls in my class, and though I was ridiculed, I had a supportive loving family. It didn't matter, I feel that I have/am/was bombarded by magazines, TV, radio, everything commercial, and I am definitely a product of a society that over sexualizes, and over simplifies the issue of beauty, both outer and inner.

Oh yes, inner beauty, the king of kings. You see, though I am self obsessed, I have successfully stripped some of that away, and I don't only think of myself. I also try to think about, help, and encourage others to be the best that they can be, by nurturing, teaching, and gently prodding others(if you know me, you know I'm a prodder, its a god given gift). Those things build my inner beauty day by day. But what is it about hearing "you're so hot sexy!" that's so much more flattering than "you're a nice lady"? I don't know!?!?! I value inner beauty, but I want to be beautiful on the outside too. I know that one of those can grow exponentially upward, while the other will begin to wither, hopefully somewhat gracefully. It's up to  me and you, and every person on this planet to take real beauty back! To feel glorious in the skin we're in, while we continue to build and grow both mind, body, and spirit.

This post obviously over simplifies all of the issues discussed, but it is something that I've thought a lot about for the last five years. And I think more and more women are ready to talk about it. Here is a link to a beautiful series some beautiful women I know from church have been doing :

Woman behind the picture (this is part nine, read them all!)

And on Tuesday, my friend Jacqui, asked me to teach a yoga class for the young women of our church, in my old ward. It was to fulfill the first requirement  for this: Recapturing Beauty , a ten day challenge put out by BYU to help you strengthen your belief in yourself. I think its beautiful, and strong. I'm going to do a post once a week for the next ten weeks to do each one. I'd love to hear some of your experiences if you decide to take the challenge too!

Luv,
 Livs