Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Long time coming

Note: I've been trying to write this post for days, it just won't come. There are too many thoughts in my head; so, this post will be mostly for me, to clear that space, to make disjointed ramblings, because that's all that's coming right now.
From the prompt for day three of recapturing beauty:

"Our minds are extremely powerful. Just like it hurts when someone else says something mean to us, it hurts whenever we think or say negative things to ourselves. The opposite is true too. Just like that little girl learning to walk, we change and grow when we feel validated and supported. Support can come from others, and it can also come from us!"

I believe that the mind is a powerful thing. I believe it has the power to heal, and create, and transcend to higher places. It will continue to evolve in a way our bodies never will. My problem is, that my brain holds a lot of anger and ummm, more anger. It's kind of like my default setting. In my family there are some people who have not realized that they are in control of their lives, that their actions affect others, that their anger is really directed at themselves, and all growing up, they lashed out at us. I learned to hide, I learned to doubt myself, and I learned to hate. I used to hate my chubby little kid body so much that I wished that I could literally peel layers off, I would have flayed myself if I could. Like most people with body issues/eating disorders, I felt like I could have some kind of control if I could just control my body. I know that saying bad things about yourself, to yourself and others poisons your body. Ignore your body destroys it. The only way to heal, and to thrive is to love ourselves, to pay close attention everyday to what each cell is telling us. To talk back in a way that is thrilling and gentle, that helps us to use our body as a beautiful instrument to live life to the point of an ecstatic scream. I'm trying, but sometimes the anger spreads through my body, and it spews out on others. I have children at home, I don't tell them they're stupid when they makes a mistake, but I don't think I let them explore their mistakes enough, without my opinion interfering. I want to guide them to form an opinion about their body (and others) by setting a good example, and by allowing them to listen to their own body. By praising what theirs does, and can accomplish. I want them to live in an environment where nothing their sweet innocent little spirits/body/mind can do will shock, disgust, or enrage me. It's time for me to grow up, let go of the issues that plagued my childhood, so that I can raise my children without them. 

A few things I'd like to clarify: 
I love my family very much, we are all flawed human beings. My childhood was not terrible, there were strange, dangerous, and unkind things that happened, but in spite of those things I was raised in an extremely open, loving, and enriching environment. I happened to be very sensitive to the negative, not everyone is. I alone will chose what I will take from those experiences.

At first I wrote the last part of this post in regards to just Vida, and not Royce. I think that it's important for us to remember to not suppress our son's bodies in anyway. They don't have to be tough, athletic, without emotion, or conforming to any other societal gender restraints. In fact, if you read Christ's attributes in the Bible, they are what we commonly look at as female characteristics. Plus, the only way to break the cycle of body objectification (especially female) is to teach both or daughters and sons about the sacredness of our bodies. 

1 comment:

  1. This is Beautiful Olivia. Having overcome an eating disorder myself, I appreciate these words that much more. I, too, want to let go of the things that plagued me in my youth so I don't pass it on to my three beautiful children. I want them to love themselves in a way I never did..and I can only do that by doing the seemingly impossible--loving myself. :)