I have a bad habit of feeling empty. I try and cram, cram, cram as much in as I can. I'm a junkie for knowledge, affection, style, the internet, and wishful thinking. But, as you know, the junkie never gets enough, hence the bottomless pit.
Oh, and I do very little doing. Not enough to stretch the mind, or the body.
Bad combo, that thinking and not doing. A breeding ground for fear. Fear from all the things that could be done. Fear of never being enough. Fear that eats dreams, like Kobayashi eats hotdogs.
I've let fear tell me my whole life that there are things about me that need to be hidden, sensitive bits that were hurt long ago. But they were beautiful bits, and now sometimes I think they've rusted in their hiding places. I call them out, and they come slowly. It takes a lot of work tug the nightmares of children from the bones of sleeping adults. I personally find that talking helps; I'd probably love to talk to you, if I already don't. I'd love to tell you how I feel about the decline in population of large cats, or food, or anything in your life. I'd like to talk to you about my crazy family, and my crazy life. I'd love to talk to you about God, and about what you think your potential in life is. I'd like to comfort you, and tell you you're good. A small word, that 'good', and often underwhelming; but I find sometimes, that it if said just so, just straightforward enough, it feels clean and strong, and warm. Like old bare wood. Sometimes when I'm around adults, which I don't get to do vey often :) I talk so much I get jittery. I get a buzz off words. In fact, I'm usually quite ashamed after this, like any tipsy party girl. I talked too much, too loud, too bold. Funny things slip out when you hurt inside, don't they? And then, something strange happened as of late. We moved, and I talked, and I walked, and I stripped things away. My possessions, my family, Vida's health, our safety, bits of B's and my relationship. And I just kept feeling, like I was losing feeling. I kept seeing myself as this cup, and I was emptying out; and the fear kept filling it in with nothing. Because when nothing is inside of you, it becomes something. And I jut kept praying that I would get filled up. I prayed that I would be filled with things that would make me a better me. That's all. It was like a crucible; sometimes we do have to burn it all down.This time it was so intense it was like nothing was holding me here; here on earth. I just waited, and felt ok with waiting. And I kept thinking this should feel scary, but it didn't. It just felt like a bubble; quiet, and muffled, full of space, and at the same time so taunt, so precarious. And then the bubble must have popped, because I'm back. And I feel it; I feel my life inside of me. So now I'll do, I'll do something for a while, and then I'll probably cycle back through some other interior passageway. I love to take adventures inside myself, it's like Magic School Bus up in this hizzy everyday. I highly encourage you try one sometime.
Peace,
O.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Dinner Date with the Stars
If I were going to throw a beautifully organized dinner party, for any five historical dead figures, they would be as follows:
1) Princess Leia, hands down the most bada**, capable female lead character I've ever seen on film. I mean, she choked Jabba with the chain he had her tethered to him with. Girl be what I like to call a roll model. (And yes, I'm counting her as a 'historical' figure)
2&3) Sofia Tolstaya and Leo Tolstoy: Tolstoy has always been a hero of mine, and I recently finished reading War and Peace. Did you know that Sofia was scribe for him on that weighty tome, and copied it out, by hand, a total of seven times. That's true love! Tolstoy's depiction of marriage, and love, in W&P, gave me one of those moments, where like, a little piece of emptiness opens up inside my chest, so that I can start to fill it with new emotions and feelings, after experiencing something so enlightening. But, if you've seen the Last Station, you know that their marriage had its down side. They'd be perfect to see in real life.
4) Hans Christian Andersen: That dude be a freak, and I like it. His stories are so twisted and beautiful. He had to be pretty nuteriffic in person. Wikipedia tells me this: Shortly before his death, he had consulted a composer about the music for his funeral, saying: "Most of the people who will walk after me will be children, so make the beat keep time with little steps." Moribundus; I can dig it. And yes, I already have the music picked out for my funeral; I'm going to be lowered into the ground as the song 'Blinded by the Light' is blared.
5) Cleopatra: Not original, I know, but the reality behind her story that is so constantly repressed by modern depictions is fascinating. You know, the not actually being Egyptian, her real political ingenuity, and ruthlessness. Since studying her as a young child, (along with my obsession for paranormal phenomena there is a close second for ancient cultures, I mean come on, the egyptians swirled brains around with a stick, and drained it out your nose!) I combined my love of paranormal and egyptology, and fancied myself the reincarnation of Cleopatra. It explains my love of power, and seducing men by rolling out of carpets.
Bon Appetit!
1) Princess Leia, hands down the most bada**, capable female lead character I've ever seen on film. I mean, she choked Jabba with the chain he had her tethered to him with. Girl be what I like to call a roll model. (And yes, I'm counting her as a 'historical' figure)
2&3) Sofia Tolstaya and Leo Tolstoy: Tolstoy has always been a hero of mine, and I recently finished reading War and Peace. Did you know that Sofia was scribe for him on that weighty tome, and copied it out, by hand, a total of seven times. That's true love! Tolstoy's depiction of marriage, and love, in W&P, gave me one of those moments, where like, a little piece of emptiness opens up inside my chest, so that I can start to fill it with new emotions and feelings, after experiencing something so enlightening. But, if you've seen the Last Station, you know that their marriage had its down side. They'd be perfect to see in real life.
4) Hans Christian Andersen: That dude be a freak, and I like it. His stories are so twisted and beautiful. He had to be pretty nuteriffic in person. Wikipedia tells me this: Shortly before his death, he had consulted a composer about the music for his funeral, saying: "Most of the people who will walk after me will be children, so make the beat keep time with little steps." Moribundus; I can dig it. And yes, I already have the music picked out for my funeral; I'm going to be lowered into the ground as the song 'Blinded by the Light' is blared.
5) Cleopatra: Not original, I know, but the reality behind her story that is so constantly repressed by modern depictions is fascinating. You know, the not actually being Egyptian, her real political ingenuity, and ruthlessness. Since studying her as a young child, (along with my obsession for paranormal phenomena there is a close second for ancient cultures, I mean come on, the egyptians swirled brains around with a stick, and drained it out your nose!) I combined my love of paranormal and egyptology, and fancied myself the reincarnation of Cleopatra. It explains my love of power, and seducing men by rolling out of carpets.
Bon Appetit!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Is It You?
If you think time is linear, then you're a fool.
My heart beats hollow sometimes, there's a trap door there.
It leads to the past, which, I constantly think about becoming my future.
It takes me under you, around you, through you;
But never to you.
There is no such thing as 'space'.
The distance between us is always the same.
It fits half way across the world, and in between old embraces.
If you called me there, I would already be THERE;
But will you?
There is a difference between joy and contentment.
I will have one without you, but not the other.
One can live a whole life with a smile on their face,
For a memory that isn't there.
It is you.
My heart beats hollow sometimes, there's a trap door there.
It leads to the past, which, I constantly think about becoming my future.
It takes me under you, around you, through you;
But never to you.
There is no such thing as 'space'.
The distance between us is always the same.
It fits half way across the world, and in between old embraces.
If you called me there, I would already be THERE;
But will you?
There is a difference between joy and contentment.
I will have one without you, but not the other.
One can live a whole life with a smile on their face,
For a memory that isn't there.
It is you.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Howdy y'all!
Well, I'm sure that was a refreshing break for you all; unless you started following me on my newly minted instagram account, and if so....suckas! But, I think I could be back to the blog with a little consistency, perhaps. Haha, that sounds very convincing doesn't it?
Texas is....Texas. We're trying hard to settle in, and that's all you can do, correctamundo? Loving the sun, the hip hop music on the radio, and of course, the Mexican food. Vida is having a little relapse of her kidney disorder, that we're having a harder time getting under control than we have previously. Prayers and kind thoughts directed her way always help in my own, very earnest, personal, opinion.
Let's start with something silly, shall we? For the last year or so I've been feeling less like myself, for you see, the me I knew firmly shut the door behind herself. And it all has to do with a name, and the hair. I used to have beautiful hair, and a beautiful name. Not anymore compadres, and don't way one word otherwise, this is my sob story ya hear!? All growing up, I rarely ran into anyone named Olivia, never attended a school with another one, and I rather got to liking that original factor of my nomenclature. BUT NOW I'M A DIME A DOZEN!!! I heard a radio announcer the other day tell people not to name there kids Olivia, because they'd become the Ashely of their generation. Oh no, I'm an Ashley. No offense, Ashley; which one of you, you ask? Oh, I mean you Ashley, or you, Ashleigh, or you, Aeshlee, or you, Aschlea. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Wailing and gnashing, I was original with an original name, and now I whip my head around at the park to every three year olds command from their mom. And to top it all off, the straight hair epademic. Each one of my tiny, curly hair soldiers has fallen down flat on the floor. Rest in peace curly hair. Where did you go? How do I use a curling iron? What is this nonsense about it mattering what your haircut really looks like? Someone save me from this hell I'm living in.
Ok, this was funny at first, but now it's kinda whiny, so long story short: I used to have a beautiful name, and beautiful lustrous curls, and now I am bereft of both. So I'm changing my name, and getting a perm. I shall from here on out be called Zarahemla Fae Lyons and I'll be rockin a sweet jheri curl.
Like this:
Texas is....Texas. We're trying hard to settle in, and that's all you can do, correctamundo? Loving the sun, the hip hop music on the radio, and of course, the Mexican food. Vida is having a little relapse of her kidney disorder, that we're having a harder time getting under control than we have previously. Prayers and kind thoughts directed her way always help in my own, very earnest, personal, opinion.
Let's start with something silly, shall we? For the last year or so I've been feeling less like myself, for you see, the me I knew firmly shut the door behind herself. And it all has to do with a name, and the hair. I used to have beautiful hair, and a beautiful name. Not anymore compadres, and don't way one word otherwise, this is my sob story ya hear!? All growing up, I rarely ran into anyone named Olivia, never attended a school with another one, and I rather got to liking that original factor of my nomenclature. BUT NOW I'M A DIME A DOZEN!!! I heard a radio announcer the other day tell people not to name there kids Olivia, because they'd become the Ashely of their generation. Oh no, I'm an Ashley. No offense, Ashley; which one of you, you ask? Oh, I mean you Ashley, or you, Ashleigh, or you, Aeshlee, or you, Aschlea. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Wailing and gnashing, I was original with an original name, and now I whip my head around at the park to every three year olds command from their mom. And to top it all off, the straight hair epademic. Each one of my tiny, curly hair soldiers has fallen down flat on the floor. Rest in peace curly hair. Where did you go? How do I use a curling iron? What is this nonsense about it mattering what your haircut really looks like? Someone save me from this hell I'm living in.
Ok, this was funny at first, but now it's kinda whiny, so long story short: I used to have a beautiful name, and beautiful lustrous curls, and now I am bereft of both. So I'm changing my name, and getting a perm. I shall from here on out be called Zarahemla Fae Lyons and I'll be rockin a sweet jheri curl.
Like this:
Ain't nobody mess with Zarahemla!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Moving On
Soooooo I mentioned that we're moving to Texas, yes? Well for those of you in the day to day circle, we said end of Feb, then beginning of March, then mid----we were so set on between the 18-22. Humph, freaking plans.
Brandon's visa required a visit to the US consulate. They immigration lawyers, and the consulate papers said once you've had your interview, and they TAKE YOUR FRAKIN PASSPORT AND YOU PAY THE FLIPPIN FEES, that you're visa should come in 3-5 days later. B's appointment was on the 4th....no visa still. And of course the bureaucrats never give an explanation. So I sit here in my partially packed, partially cleaned house waiting. Brandon and I are anxious, ready to go; ready to adjust to the heat before it's 95 deg everyday. So send you're good juju our way....alas, I suppose, what will be will be.
On the somewhat crappy brightside: Someone smashed in B's truck window last night to steal his wallet. They left his Oakley sunglasses, his hockey skates (which someone in Canada would steal), and a G Star jacket. He came inside to call the bank to cancel his cards, whilst I went out to do some detective work. From my sherlock like detections I deduced that they were probably druggies looking for cash, since they left the other stuff. Using what I've gleaned from books, and made for TV movies, small time criminals usually throw the wallet away. I was hoping to just find his temple recommend, and maybe his license. So I checked the neighbor's on the right trash can.... no dice. Started hittin the streets ( uh huh, just wrote that) to the left, and discover Royce's smashed inhaler in the street!! Told you it was tweekers.....kept walking and found B's wallet and ALL the contents strewn down the gutter two houses down. Super cool, criminals. Thanks....I guess?
Also, the real estate agent told B that he had to come by to look at something today, unbeknownst to me. He rang and knocked, and I was like, "whatevs, I'm chillin' in the tub with the kids, can't hear nothin', son," when all of a sudden my garage door opens. That's right just use my code, walk into my house and say whutsup while I'm nakey in the bath. At least it wasn't the robbers.
I put clothes on before I came downstairs.
I'll keep you posted.
Brandon's visa required a visit to the US consulate. They immigration lawyers, and the consulate papers said once you've had your interview, and they TAKE YOUR FRAKIN PASSPORT AND YOU PAY THE FLIPPIN FEES, that you're visa should come in 3-5 days later. B's appointment was on the 4th....no visa still. And of course the bureaucrats never give an explanation. So I sit here in my partially packed, partially cleaned house waiting. Brandon and I are anxious, ready to go; ready to adjust to the heat before it's 95 deg everyday. So send you're good juju our way....alas, I suppose, what will be will be.
On the somewhat crappy brightside: Someone smashed in B's truck window last night to steal his wallet. They left his Oakley sunglasses, his hockey skates (which someone in Canada would steal), and a G Star jacket. He came inside to call the bank to cancel his cards, whilst I went out to do some detective work. From my sherlock like detections I deduced that they were probably druggies looking for cash, since they left the other stuff. Using what I've gleaned from books, and made for TV movies, small time criminals usually throw the wallet away. I was hoping to just find his temple recommend, and maybe his license. So I checked the neighbor's on the right trash can.... no dice. Started hittin the streets ( uh huh, just wrote that) to the left, and discover Royce's smashed inhaler in the street!! Told you it was tweekers.....kept walking and found B's wallet and ALL the contents strewn down the gutter two houses down. Super cool, criminals. Thanks....I guess?
Also, the real estate agent told B that he had to come by to look at something today, unbeknownst to me. He rang and knocked, and I was like, "whatevs, I'm chillin' in the tub with the kids, can't hear nothin', son," when all of a sudden my garage door opens. That's right just use my code, walk into my house and say whutsup while I'm nakey in the bath. At least it wasn't the robbers.
I put clothes on before I came downstairs.
I'll keep you posted.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Dreams Hormones Abstract Nature of Life
I've been having these dreams all week.
They are not nice dreams; they are the kind of dreams that make me wake up feeling that I'm still in them.
The kind of dreams that make me feel like my subconscious is srsly trippin'.
"What are you trying to tell me Brain?", I say. But, I know, and sometimes I cry; it's been a while since I've cried like this.
And then I pray. I pray to feel comfort, to feel worthy, to feel loved. I pray that I will let go of the things that haunt me.
I'm not talking about large crazy things, no Lady Macbeth washing and wringing here, no I'm talking about the same stuff that haunts you.
The little things. The tiny, in the cosmic sense of the way, mishaps, misshapes, meanderings down what ifs? stored deep in every cell of your body.
How do we scrub them clean?
How do we see the real world?
I know I have some answers; but sometimes don't you just like to ask the question, and let it stand there for a while?
Alone
(segue)
And what's up with hormones!?! Goodness gracious, in case you didn't know, this is a hormone induced lucidness.
I mean really, we walk around all the time trying to pretend that our hormones don't rule much of what we do. I'm all for free will, but when a crazy cocktail of enhancing, dancing, dipping, damaged by GMO's, bubbles flow constantly through my body and the electrical impulses between, I think we should give them their fair share of recognition.
Instead we kind of laugh,
ESPECIALLY AT WOMEN!!!!!
"Oh, PMS time," snicker, snicker.
She grows, she gestates, she births, she ages, she breastfeeds, she tries to find her normal, but the hormones, they keep, keep, keep on a changin'.
Sista, there's a universe inside of you. A constantly changing house that grows, that nurtures, that saves the you inside for last as it spirals out. Be proud, and don't be afraid to point out that you are tired, that you have bad dreams, that you need a break from holding up all the stars.
And it's all the damn hormones.
Friday, March 15, 2013
WUVE
The other day Brandon and I went to the new Calgary temple. For those who aren't LDS, you can read about why we build temples here. I love the temple, but it's really hard (for me at least), to go frequently...or basically at all, when I'm in the pregnant/birth/breastfeed kid till they're 5/ toddler stage. So we were grateful to Brandon's mom for watching the kids so we could go one Saturday. But....of course we got lost on the way, partially my fault/ stupid i phone/ I think it should have just been common sense... which resulted in heated heads and loud but not overly angry per se words. We got there right as the session started. Lame. No Game. But!!!!! There is a silver lining, we decided to do sealings instead of an endowment session. Sealings are like renewing your wedding vows over and over, whilst holding hands and staring into your lovers eyes! So we came out happy again, and ready to rock and roll.
The temple helps Brandon and I to feel together; it is where we work even harder at becoming one. The temple softens our hearts, and opens our minds, to the endless possibilities that come from two constantly changing people who've chosen to bind themselves together for time and all eternity (AT the rip old age 20 AND 23!?!) And the spirit there instills in us the peace to make those decisions that lead us to become the people that go beyond the definition of who we even think we can be, like zombies. Just kidding, but it's like super cool, at least. Love B, love the temple, love my life.
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